Believe at last

O Master,
how can we have come to this place in time
where what we fear most is about to happen
for the sake of what we desire most?

How can the Son of the Promise,
our Only Son,
be required of us,
and in such a brutal offering?

How can we go on?
What must we find on the other side of the Sacrifice?

We know, no better than Your mother
and Your first disciples knew,
what we will find there.

We only have Your words,
just as they first heard them,
‘Father, the hour has come:
glorify Your Son
so that Your Son may glorify You’,
and like them,
we cannot bear to hear You ask us,
‘Do you believe at last?’
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To the depths

Lord our God,
You know what You meant
when You uttered our names
and brought us into the field of life,
sharing with us Your gift of being.

You whisper Your meaning to us in our dreams,
and even awake we sense but do not know,
only that something draws us into an abyss
we neither asked for nor chose,
like unknowing swimmers we are pulled by the undertow,
unwilling yet glad.

Bring us back, O Lord,
as You brought Jonah back from the belly of the whale.
Fish us out, O Christ,
as You fished Lazarus out of the deep,
the dark unknown, the despairing sea of death.
Gather us, O Spirit,
as You gathered Your people Israel from the four winds
to fill the land again.
‘Where could I go to escape Your Spirit?
Where could I flee from Your Presence?
If I climb the heavens You are there…’

Amen and amen, Lord.
You created us from nothing.
You made us,
what we were born wanting,
what we live is before Your face,
You feel this same grief that we feel,
You became even as we are.

How long, O Lord, how long?
Come, rescue us,
retrieve our remains,
offer our bodies to the sea and our souls to the depths,
that we may forget our dreams,
and in darkness receive from You
what we were born wanting.
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Holy apostles

Holy apostles, 
lovingly plant in us the seed 
that the Master planted in you, 
that you write to us 
who live at the end of time, 
that the Spirit, 
Lord and Giver of Life 
causes to sprout and grow in us, 
that we too may enter 
into the mystery 
of life in the Holy Triad with you, 
one mind, 
one will, 
one heart, 
one love.
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Repent for me

Where can you look, my soul,
where you will not see the signs of His love for you?
Everywhere you turn, outside yourself or within,
are the signs of His love.
The very comforter you lie on to rest, He provided.
Your holy ikons and books,
all your holy things given out of love,
out of solicitude for your needs,
all the gifts of His friendship.

And within, the secret things He has divulged to your soul,
and the love with which He taught you
the languages of His Holy Scripture.
And through all your lonelinesses and trials,
He has stood beside you,
comforting and defending you, never judging you,
because He knows the Word planted in you
will purify you and raise you after any possible fall.
Such was and is His great love for you, my soul,
such was and is His respect for you.

Yet, like a stranger you turn away from Him,
as if He were an enemy to be despised.
You judge Him, as if He were a criminal to be punished.
Worse than His people who accused Him,
when He fed them with manna and quails
and gave them drink
from a rock that followed them.
And worse even than them whom He healed and fed,
and who nevertheless gave Him up to be crucified.

What madness is this?
What ingratitude hidden amidst the foliage of piety?
Is this the kind of Jew you are, my soul,
continuing the work of your fathers who slew the prophets?

Lord, have mercy.

I go to You, Lord,
as one who has not yet made a beginning of serving You,
yet the time is close.

Repent for me, Spirit of God,
press me harder through the sieve of repentance.
Hold back my coarse and useless dust,
let through only the flour refined by Your grace.
Moisten me, then, with real tears and knead me,
yeastless, into a level loaf.
Pierce me all over,
that in the earthen oven of tribulation
my body may bear the stripes darkened by the fire,
to guide the fingers that must break me in pieces
for the brethren.

Yes, Lord, I go to You as one
who has made not even a beginning of serving you.

Lord, have mercy.
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